Weak in the knees. 


We have been together for seven years and I can without a doubt say that it’s been a true pleasure and loving experience. 

I met Ryan when he replied to an ad that I placed on Craigslist, looking for an 18 year old guy that was inexperienced sexually. 

We didn’t have much correspondence before we met. But, the immediate physical attraction was breathtaking. 

To this day, I can’t keep my hands off of him. 

Ryan loves me in a way that no one has ever loved me before. He’s selfless and has so much compassion that in his heart, I can do no wrong and he has never judged me for my impulsive actions. 

Four years ago, I let Ryan go. We had been together for three years at that point and he was 21 years old. 

I felt as though it was time for him to go out and experience other men and women, beyond the ones I invited into our bedroom for playtime. 

I wanted him to love. Love more. Love hard. 

He was an excellent lover, great listener, kind, good natured, so intelligent and had the ability to be empathic to even complete strangers. 

(He looked good in my panties, too.)

I wanted other people to experience what I had experienced with him. I wanted other people to be showered in his extraordinary love. 

We didn’t talk for six months. 

Exactly, at the six month date, he came to my front door and said that he bought the house at the end of the block and he was back in my life. 


It was the first bold move that I had ever seen Ryan take against me. 

I’m dominant and he’s submissive. 

It had never happened before. 

I embraced him, feeling him shake a little at my touch, like he always has done (even now).

We fell back into our groove but it was better. Stronger. Engulfed in love. 

Now, seven years later, we are stronger than ever and we have never left that honeymoon stage. 

I see Ryan every single day. He leaves me fresh flowers and fresh cuts of meat from the butcher. We make out, play UNO and he completely submits to me, not only in the bedroom but in our everyday life. 

I know that it sounds so silly but this kid was made for me and we were made to love hard. 
I hope that everyone in this world gets to experience a true unconditional relationship like I have with Ryan. A relationship that makes you better deep within your soul, and also one that feels as wonderful seven years later as it did went we first fell for each other. 

Ryan makes me better. 


Heavy heart. 

I broke up with him. 

The one that moved out of state to finish school. 

Distance does not make my heart grow fonder. 

But, I’m not going to blame distance. 

I stayed with him longer than I should have because he’s been going through so much stuff since relocating. He’s been homesick, depressed, ill…

I didn’t want to add to that. 

So, I stayed. 

Then one morning, I woke up super early. I made my coffee and went out to the back porch. 

I was looking into the dark morning sky and it hit me that it was time to end our romantic and our sexual dynamic. 

The sex is so good. 

I digress…

So, as I sat there, deep in my heart, I came to the realization that in the three years we had been together, that I really gave him some good tools to use in situations like this. 

He had paid attention and even asked a million questions when I was opening his mind and heart about ways that I found made life more pleasurable. 

I’m 41, he’s 22. 

I taught him skills to deal with situations just like this. Things that worked for me. Sure, we are two different people but I practice love. 

Pure love. 

You can use that tool and win every time. 

Now, I know you’re probably thinking that I’m contradicting myself. You know, saying that it was time to break up and then saying that I love to love. 

Love doesn’t end. 


It shouldn’t. 

Those that we have loved, should stay with us. 


It’s been three days since I ended things and I’ve been taking it pretty hard. I didn’t cry but I do feel devistated. 

It’s hard to walk away from a wonderful relationship. 

The next day after having the conversation with him, I took a mental health day. 

I went to see my therapist and not that I was looking for vindication, she thought that this was a positive move for me. 

The rest of the day, I smoked weed and watched random shows on tv. 

I took my meds early and crashed. 

Upon waking, I felt better. 

I went to work and by the time I got off, I knew that I needed some more self care. 

I got a large glass of water, put on a Bon Iver record and got into a hot bath. I sat in the dark and stayed in the bath until it was cold. 

I got dressed and stretched out in front of the fire place and I think I fell asleep five minutes later. 

Vote for me!!

I purposely picked up a shift at one of my jobs tonight so I won’t have to be assaulted by all the media bullying that will be occurring this evening. 

No thanks. 

I did exercise one of our greatest freedoms and voted but that was weeks ago since here in Oregon, we have mail in ballots. 

Lately there has been a great increase in pictures and requests that I receive via social media. 

I don’t believe any woman hasn’t been victimized by an unsolicited dick pic. 

It’s like a hello nowadays.

The thing is…. is that the men that share their dick before even saying hello…. never share a dick that you even want to see. 

They’re just an average penis. Nothing that’s going to make it stand out (ha!) 

Stop sharing your dick!!!! 

I get turned on by seeing random dicks all day said no woman ever. 

The true art of risqué photos is the tease. 

Very few men can actually pull this off because once again, they’re very focused on just showing you their dick. 

You want to make a woman want you. You want to make her want to see more of you. 

Let’s face it, once you’ve seen the dick…. 

What else is there to see? 

You can’t do it backwards either by showing your dick and then trying to tease. 

Think men. Think. 

I’ve been working a lot lately, which I often do in the fall and winter so I can work less in the spring and summer. 

It’s kinda hard to do with traveling for football and out of state to see one of my boys, but I make it work. 

My neighbor kid and best friend turned 17 over the last weekend. It’s hard for me to believe that I’ve been helping raise him since he was seriously seconds old and I clipped his umbilical cord. 

He’s such an amazing person. He’s truly selfless which is a rare quality in people, much less a 17 year old boy. 

He’s very smart and witty. He’s got a quick comeback for everything that is comical, not demeaning. 

School comes easy to him even with being in AP classes and also already taking college courses. 

He volunteers in our community more than he works because he feels like that’s the balance he needs in his life. 

He’s always helping our other neighbors without being asked and he’s so kind to strangers. 

Which we all know, is not the case for most people anymore. 

He truly makes me a better person and in his short 17 years on this planet, he has blessed my life in ways that I never knew was possible. 

I truly know the meaning of unconditional love. 

Oh yeah, the requests…

So, ever since I started my panty blog on tumblr, I have gotten some strange requests. 

Men want to see me piss in my panties, show period blood and even poop! 

They request things to be inserted into my pussy like bananas, beer bottles and hot dogs. 

They tell me how I should pose and also how to have to orgasms. 

Wanna know something that creeps me out even more? When they say things like, I really like the picture on your nightstand. 

I mean, how hard are you looking at my pics?!

And, why aren’t you focused on the reason you’re on my blog anyways…. the damn panties and pussy. 

Just let me mention that it’s 4:44pm right now and it’s dark. 

Damn it. 

The true meaning why so many Oregonians have a vitamin D deficiency. 

The Ducks. 

They sure haven’t made it easy to be a fan. But, if you haven’t just been a fan since the Chip Kelly era, you know that this is our Ducks. 

It’s not going to always be roses. 

My favorite (NOT) is when men say things to me about my Ducks and they don’t even watch college football. 

Seriously, shut the fuck up. You’re not going to get me to engage with someone that is uneducated in the sport. 

I’ve been back in therapy for about four weeks now to try and get some knowledge and tools to not act on my sexual impulses while manic. 

Since I’m currently not in a manic state, it’s hard to put myself in that mindset to try and figure out the roots. 

When I’m manic, I don’t know what happened three minutes ago much less do I think about the reprocussions of my actions. 

I also do not want to use mania as an excuse for bad behavior. 

So far, nothing has turned on a lightbulb in my head as far as how not to act on my impulses. 

My toolbox is still empty. 

I recently received a very generous gift from a tumblr follower. A $500 gift card to Victoria’s Secret. 

And, now he’s disappeared. 

Oh, here are a few photos that I wanted to share. 

Jack-o-lantern pizza!
The internet…
Strange bird occurrences by my home.
Temporary tattoos are my favorite accessory.
Another generous gift from a tumblr follower.
The best coconut oil out there.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this subject and I just want to throw this out there….

When you lose weight…

Where exactly do those pounds go? 

Silly girl. 😝

Fright night. 

I’m totally scared of Halloween. I always have been. Sure, I dressed up some when I was young but it was always something like a doctor or a football player. 

Costumes are so scary and freaky these days. I was in the store the other day and saw costumes for children that were frightening. 

Like seriously. 

And, with this whole clown business…

The stores in my little town have pulled everything clown related from the shelves. 

That’s awesome. 

The boy that’s away at school, is struggling. He’s very homesick and has actually been quite sick. I think it’s from all the stress. 

He’s contemplating transfer back to be closer, even though he’s in his senior year. 

The two boys that live here are doing pretty well. The one that is still in college is playing football and doing great! He’s a wide receiver and has been able to start every game. 

I wish that I could go to more of his games but there’s the Ducks. 

The Ducks. 


The boy that I’ve been with the longest met a guy and they were having a really good time getting to know each other. The guy he met, knew our relationship from the beginning as we were all together when they met. 

However, he gave my boy an ultimatum and said that he needed to choose between him and me. My boy said, no. 

In my experience, people often think open relationships are so cool and hip and they think it sounds like the best situation ever. 

They soon realize that they can’t share but think they can be the one to change the poly persons heart. 

True love doesn’t sway. 

Here are some pics gathered over the last few weeks. 

Rainbow ❤️
Got my nails done.
Kik is so weird.
Another awesome message.
We had a storm a few weeks ago and the power got knocked out.
I love tributes.
Breakfast lately.
After touching body parts… in a store bathroom.
Love these fall days.
I’ve always loved railroad tracks.
Homemade chili.
I love this. GO DUCKS!!!
Darth Vader at the suicide prevention walk.
There were so many people at the suicide prevention walk and everyone had such a personal experience with suicide.
My favorite store bought bacon.
I just throw it in coconut oil.
Once it starts foaming, it’s done.
Fall is gorgeous here.
A spot I fish at.
Locks on a local bridge.
Beautiful flowers growing in the wild.

Eyes wide shut. 

If I didn’t see it…

It didn’t happen, right?! 

I had to leave the game before halftime. The Ducks were down 28-0 to the Huskies and I just couldn’t do it. 

I don’t remember the last time I left a Ducks game early. Maybe sometime during college…

You know, drinking too much and having to leave the game. Yeah, been there, done that. 

I also don’t remember ever drinking too much and not remembering the second half. 


That was many, many moons ago. 

So, the boy. 

I know I said I was smitten the other day and at that moment, I was. 

I’m kinda over it now. 

I’ve known him for over a year. We met in a panties chat group on Kik and we’ve chatted here and there, obviously attracted to each other and I always felt like we connected on another level besides just physical. 

He’s kind, positive, smart and just a good soul. 

He also looks very good in my panties. 

Like most things, I get very passionate and I get this laser like focus. This time on the boy. 

However, four days later, just like a lot of things, I lose interest. 

It’s not that I don’t think he’s fabulous because I really do. It’s more that I’ve moved on to something else that is shiny and new and has grabbed my attention for the next four days. 

Putting the finishing touches on my room.  

I know, how can I replace the feelings and emotions I have for another human for completing my room transformation. 

I do that kind of shit all the time. 

I’ve always blamed my ADHD and you know, it could be part of the reason. I think another part of the reason is that I just get bored and instead of being one of those people that gets stagnant, I flutter around and land somewhere for as long as my attention will allow. 

It’s a wonder that one of my boys has been around for seven years. I mean like it literally blows my mind. 

But, then again, I’ve had the same friends since I was in diapers.