Hey Siri…

Where the hell did Siri go?!

iOS 11 showed up and Siri disappeared.

I know she could be annoying and most of the time that she didn’t work well, but she did try.

I don’t understand why she’s gone.



Ice that vag

When I got to my client’s house today, my client was asleep.

I get paid the same amount from the State to be with my client whether he is awake or asleep and sometimes, it bothers me to be paid from the State for time I spend blogging, or even just being on Kik.

But, there’s other days like today, where I don’t really care.


The kitten that I rescued is alive and well. The little beast looks like he’s growing every day and he sure is eating a lot now. He’s pretty much litter box trained and likes to crawl up things, like your pants. I started feeding him some mushed up cat food that has been soaked in goat’s milk. I hope that he eats it. I made the mistake of putting it into the microwave and it now smells like hot cat food in here.



J is still pretty upset with me for getting a new boy. He says that he’s mostly upset because I didn’t discuss things with him and R before I just moved ahead.

I tried to explain to him that things just happen.

Just like I went to that party and then basically immediately starting dating J.

We were inseparable from that night forward.

I don’t think that the new boy and I are inseparable because he’s not here like J is. And, I do need to spend more time with him since he’s not here physically and because I am training him and figuring out who this guy is.

The new boy probably won’t be able to travel out here until the spring so that makes things kind of awkward. I’ve never dated or trained someone that I didn’t meet face-to-face before so all these things are new.


My store went on lockdown last night after a man with a knife came into the lobby. He didn’t scream or anything, he just had a knife and was making all these jerky movements. The people working in the lobby could get the guy outdoors and then they locked the doors and sure, we were all safe indoors, but what about the people that were locked outside with this dude and his knife.

It was a pretty scary situation because the police couldn’t get the knife away from this dude. It literally took hours for them to obtain him.

I just kept thinking that maybe there was a reason why they didn’t just taser him.

Like maybe he also had a bomb.

I don’t know. My mind just went there.


My brother is kind of a jerk.

Always has been.

He doesn’t let me see my nephew unless it’s convenient for him and his wife. I’m not sure if it’s his wife’s doing or if it’s my brother.

Probably a combo.

They never tell me when his sports games are going on or invite us just down for the weekend so we can spend time with them. I’ve even said that I would come down and hang out with my nephew if they had errands to run or if they wanted to go on a date night.


Sometimes they like to go shopping in the city and to get to the city, you basically must drive right past my house.

Still nothing.

It breaks my heart that my brother or my sister-in-law could be saying negative things about me in front of my nephew.

Doesn’t that suck?!


This cat is meowing like his ass is on fire.

Super annoying.


I had a therapy appointment this morning and all went well. My therapist is one hell of a woman and she breaks things down for me, a whole lot more than anyone else has been able to do except for my one therapist that moved to Boston.

She’s super easy going and relaxing. I like her a lot.

Today we touched on the binge eating a little. It’s the first time that I have brought it up to her and I wasn’t planning on doing so. It just fell out of my mouth.

I was just going to talk with my medical doctor about binge eating but it sounds like talking to my therapist about it is a good idea since most of it is psychological.

She said that I need to find ways to distract myself from the initial urge, which I know all about because I quit smoking cigarettes.

She suggested a guided meditation for the late nights when I get off work and want to come home and eat everything. I also think that a guided meditation would help me relax and maybe I would stay up like so long after I get home.

So, I am going to try it and see how it goes.

Exercise, dummy.

That’s also what I need to do.

I think it’s time to reinstate my membership at the gym.


Oh, did I tell you what’s going on with my jobs?

My main job, working with my client is three days a week right now, seven hours a day. My employer would like to increase those days to ten-hour days, the same days of the week.

I have worked long days with my client before and it burned me out. I also didn’t have another job when I was doing those long hours.

The store has dropped my hours from 22.5 to 9 so I feel like I need to pick up the slack somewhere and if the store is going to only schedule me two days a week, then I feel like those days need to be consistent, like maybe working Tuesday and Thursday nights every week.

I’m going to see what’s going to happen when my schedule comes out for the following week. If I have three weeks of only working two evenings, then I am going to ask for a set schedule. If they can’t accommodate me, then maybe it will be time for me to move along.

As far as working the long days, I am going to start doing that in a couple weeks. My employer knows that I got burned out last time but those were 12-hour days and to keep it real, no one wants to do anything for 12 hours.

Not even have sex….

I’m mean your vagina could fall out.

Because I’m Happy.

I just got home from sewing group and you know what!?!?! I actually got to work on my skirt. It was cool to use some scraps and practice on the machine. I did pinning and ironing today.


This morning I went to bible study and it was about I am the good shepherd.

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep.”                     -John 10:11

It was very interesting to relate myself to sheep.

Sheep are prone to go astray.

Sheep tend to follow other sheep without thinking.

Sheep are stubborn.


I have to go to work tonight at 8pm and work until midnight. That’s my schedule for the rest of the week. Having three days off from there always feels like such a good break, that when I go back, I feel like I want to go back.

I want to see my customers and co-workers. I want to spread a little love into someone’s day. They always ask me at work why I’m so happy and I repeat the same thing…

It’s easier to be happy when you’re grateful.


I went to see the Babes on Saturday morning and when I laid eyes on her, I thought, boy, is she fierce.

She’s under 3lbs and is very tiny but she’s there. She’s alive.

She’s thriving.

I felt overwhelmed with feelings upon seeing her and to me it appeared my friend was nervous for me to see her. As we walked to the NICU, she kept telling me how small she was. It was like she wanted me to be prepared.

I think that she’s very beautiful, tubes and all.

I mean they had her wrapped like a little burrito! How cute is that?!


The Ducks lost last night and really, what more is there to say….

Burmeister led the Ducks last night and to me the offense just couldn’t get rolling. Which is weird. Because we were at home but it is what it is. And, I feel like I’m on repeat when I mention that the Ducks are damn near leading the FBS in penalties.


The boys (the ones I had before the new one) have been expressing that they think that I’m giving the new boy too much time. They didn’t express being jealous, per say but they both said that they think that I need to be fairer about how I am spending my time.

I know that it sounds cliché for me to say that I’ve been spending more time chatting with the new boy because I’m still getting to know him but to tell you the truth; I’m still trying to figure out R, who I have been with for over seven years.

There we go…

R is the oldest and the one that I’ve been with the longest.

J is the one that I’ve been with the second longest.

And, R is the new boy.

I might just keep calling him the new boy.

Well, R and J said their piece and I am totally thinking about how I can manage this. I need to spend more time on my phone with the new boy because he’s not here. Because I need to train him to be a good submissive over the phone. We don’t have any physical time alone so we rely on the phone to translate the things that we’re feeling and the things that we’re going through.

I can do this.


I am going to take my driving test at the end of the month. I don’t want to be over confident but I am a super safe driver and I always follow the rules. Mostly because I don’t have a driver’s license. HAHAHAHAHA!


I didn’t go to ASL again this week. Mostly because I just looked at the clock and realized that it starts in ten minutes. My friend from work wasn’t going to be able to go, and I didn’t really want to go alone. I went alone the very first class and it was tough. There were too many people there to properly do the signs.

It’s all excuses. HA!


I got this flower from the dispensary the other day and I’m not sure what it was called because it came pre-weighed and I put the weed in a container and threw away the envelope. It was maybe something silver…

I do remember that it was a hybrid that was sativa dominant and I’ll tell ya what…

That weed knocked my socks off!

Which hasn’t happened in a very long time.

I took a few rips out of the gravity bong the other day and then thought that I would go grocery shopping. Trader Joe’s is all the way across town and the freeway is the easiest way to get there. So, I get on the freeway, I’m all sorts of high, and I’m talking on the phone and I took an exit off the freeway and probably about five miles down the road, I realized that I was driving through town and I was like, wasn’t I on the freeway!?!

And, then when I was shopping, I had my shopping list and I literally checked everything off but forgot three things from my list.

Stoner life.


I need to seriously get back to my fitness. I’ve been struggling with 10 pounds. I keep losing it and then gaining it right back. Also, being more active helps me sleep at night. It gets me into a deeper sleep where I’m not tossing and turning all night.

My Achilles tendon still hurts in the morning when I wake up and after I have been sitting for over 15 mins but it goes away. I think that I’ve taken enough time from playing tennis to go back.

I need to ride my bike any chance that I can get. At least now while the weather is still good. Although I hear that the rain is coming and well, once it starts, it doesn’t seem to go away for a while.

I’m going to have to get my membership reinstated at the gym so I can ride the bike and do some swimming and swimming exercises in the pool. My mom just joined the same gym and it would be fun to go with her when we can both make it. And, they have a yoga class there that I really enjoy. It’s early in the morning but coming up soon, I have only two nights that I work until midnight for two weeks in a row.

There’s a new manager in my department at work and he’s made the schedule very different from what I was working before which is a blessing and a curse. Of course, I want to work because I really do enjoy it there. And, I make money.

But, I am also glad to have the time off because I’ve worked five days a week for this company as a part-time worker for the past year.

If this new manager keeps me working two nights a week, I am going to ask to work the same two days so that I can plan something else in that time, whether it be another job, or another class.

There is a grocery store that is opening near my house and I’ve thought about trying to get a job there, but someone told me the other day that since the store is employee owned, that you must be sponsored by a current employee to be considered for employment. I am not sure if that’s the truth or not so I am going to see what’s going on with my schedule at my current job and then go from there.


I’m volunteering at a health and wellness fair tomorrow at one of our local colleges. I will be representing ?!?! and have an information table where people can come and get brochures on different mental illnesses and the local support groups that we have in the community.

It’s great to hear people’s recovery stories and for them to listen to mine. I get people that say, “What!? You have a mental illness?! You seem so normal.” It makes me laugh. If people only really knew the things that happen in my head.

Proud Mary keep on burnin’

The problem with the new boy is that he lives on the east coast while I am a left coaster. The time difference really sucks as he waits for me to wake up in the mornings and in the evenings, I’m just kind of getting things started with my evening and he’s going to bed.

Trust me it sucks.

He lives with his family, with which I have no problems other than what they’re going to think when they find out their 24-year-old son is dating a woman that is 42 years old.

I asked him yesterday about what he’s going to say to his family when he comes out here to visit and he said, “I’m going to tell them that I am going to Oregon to visit a female friend and visit schools.”

I’m sure that’s going to go over without any questions.


My other boys expressed a little bit of jealousy over the new boy and that lets me know that their needs are not being met.

So, it’s taken me about a week to get things right with the two of them and how I split my time. It’s easy to give a lot of time to the new boy because we are still getting to know each other and everything is so new and fresh.

But, I can see where I screwed up.

I’d like to say that things are perfect in my love life, but I know that as soon as you say something like that, something happens.

Maybe it’ll be something good.

I am at work right now and my client just fell asleep so I did a little bit of Spanish homework and I am blogging to you amazing people.

I have also taking an ASL class, and I’ve been going back to facilitating the support group for those in recovery from their mental illness.

Like I believe that I said earlier, I am finding that if I stay busy enough, I don’t seek out those dangerous behaviors that happen so quickly when I’m manic.

Which by the way, doesn’t seem to come in an episode form anymore. It’s just there. Always.

The ASL class is very fun. The guy that is the “teacher” is deaf and from Jamaica. I wonder if he has an accent when he signs.


He probably does.

He makes it fun and easy to learn. We’ve been learning more than just the pleasantries. He taught us all the different ways to tell someone to fuck off. He taught us all the ways to say that I enjoy sex.

I’ve been going with a co-worker and it’s been cool to hang out with her outside of work. Even if all we talked about was work. She’s a cool girl.

Oh so, let me go back a little bit to the support group…

First off, let me say that for the end of summertime and beginning of fall, there are a lot of people in the group. Usually the numbers rise in the dead of winter when it’s all dark and gloomy and people get depressed. That’s the way that it’s always been.

This group is huge. Probably around 13-15 people every meeting. It takes a long time to go around the group and have everyone check in and tell us about how their week has gone. It seems like we rarely have time at the end of group to talk about any issues that someone may be having.

Plus, I leave 20 minutes early so that I can make it to Spanish class.

There is a woman that goes to the group that is always in tears and I think that she’s more in crisis mode than in recovery but the guy that took the group over when I got burned out, has obviously allowed her to come and I don’t think that it’s a good fit.

She seems to cry and get triggered by a lot of things that people say, which makes her shout things out and then leave group in a very dramatic way.

There is also this guy in the group that talks about the same thing every single week.

Like, damn!

That’s something that I can’t handle very well.

People that repeat themselves or people that can’t seem to get over something. He’s also one of those annoying people that is always searching for advice but never even listens to the advice that people are giving him.

I don’t believe that he belongs in our group either. I think that he’s there because he’s been kicked out of every other group that he’s been in.

I didn’t make it to group on Monday because of the whole car issue and I didn’t make it to ASL, Spanish, yoga, sewing group or anything extracurricular all week. I have gotten out of my groove and it’s mostly due to car troubles.

I didn’t make it to ASL on Sunday because I just didn’t feel like going. I should have ridden my bike down there because it was a very nice afternoon but I wanted to stay home and smoke weed because I love my stoner weekends.

I have been struggling with my weight. And, no, it’s not a munchies thing.

I seem to lose and gain the same ten pounds and it really sucks. I don’t need to jump on the scale to see how much weight I have gained or loss because I can totally tell in how my clothes fit.

I’m totally a binge eater.

And, I binge on good, clean food but I still eat it without even realizing that I am eating.

Or I eat it, full on knowing that I am not hungry and I don’t need to be eating but I do it anyways.

It’s annoying but I can’t seem to stop.

I really need to go to this overeaters support group tomorrow morning and see what they have to offer as far as support. It’s also a group for under eaters which I think is not so awesome but I don’t know the dynamic of the group so it’s not fair to make judgments.

I wish that my employer would come home early so that I could go and spend some money buying panties. The new boy, is still buying my panties and socks and I’ve accumulated some money and I told him that I would buy new panties and socks with the money that he’s sent to me.

He likes to sniff the socks and panties. He wears the panties and wears the socks on his hands. He loves to rub his cock with socked hands. And, he also likes to wear layers of socks on his hands as he rubs himself and he sniffs them.

I’m not one to knock fetishes so I’ll just leave that right there.

It would also be nice to go home early so that I can find something to eat and smoke some weed.

If she comes home at the “regular” time then I will still have some time to eat and smoke weed but there won’t be time for panty shopping.

Which maybe I should wait anyways. I have some panties that I ordered from Amazon that have been delivered today and I also have some that I will go and pick up at the store on Friday.

I’ve really tried to get back to posting on my Tumblr every day but it’s hard.

Well, I wouldn’t say that it’s hard but I’ve been wearing repeats of panties because there’s been a gentleman from New York that’s been buying a shit load of my panties so I’ve been wearing pairs that I’ve already worn and then sending them to him.

For money.

Of course.

I have stack of new ones that men have sent to me and I’ve barely worked through that pile.

Oh, and Snapchat has seriously gone to shit and well, I got banned from Instagram

And, Tumblr has decided to change my blog to NSFW and now people can’t see my blog unless they’re signed into their account. That really sucks.

I have almost 3,000 followers on Tumblr and I’ve been thinking of what I can do to celebrate those 3,000 followers that I have collected in the past two years.

I was kind of thinking of posting a face pic for like an hour.

But, I also don’t want to do that for obvious reasons.

For my first 1,000 followers, I posted a rare titty picture.

For my first 2,000 followers, I posted an asshole picture.

What to do for 3,000…

Any ideas out there?

The Babes…

My very great friend is in the hospital. She is pregnant and had high blood pressure before she got pregnant and it was only gotten worse, every day that she has been pregnant.

She went in last week to her doctor, just to get everything checked out. She had swelled so much in a 24-hour period, that she knew that something was wrong.

The doctor told her to immediately go to the emergency room and there they told her that her blood pressure was so high that it was causing the baby’s heartbeat to slow down. They said that they would have to deliver the baby by cesarean.

They immediately put my friend on medication for her high blood pressure and they also started giving her shots of a steroid to help the baby’s lungs grow because my friend is barely at 30 weeks in her pregnancy and the baby’s lungs are not fully formed yet.

They were able to get my friend’s blood pressure under control and the doctors and nurses seemed confident that her blood pressure would stay regulated and that maybe with the supervision of her medical team, she would be able to keep the baby in longer, allowing her time to grow and mature.

I went and visited her in the hospital after she had been there for two days. It was a good visit despite all the gloominess that kind of hung in the air. No one knew what to say concerning the baby and it seemed like my friend was just kind of going through the motions of updating every one that came to visit her and the baby.

I figured she needed a good distraction, so I just started talking. I was rambling. Telling her about what I have been doing lately. About how I really have found out that if I stay busy doing random things that my mania isn’t presenting in a negative, dangerous way.

I told her that I met a new boy. She was excited about that and asked me tons of questions.

Oh, and the baby’s daddy was there.

They’ve been dating a year and this was my first time meeting him.

He seems nice enough and from what I’ve heard from her is that he’s super good to her which is a nice change from her previous boyfriend. And, really, all the boyfriends that she’s had in her life.

I tried to engage him into the conversation and was asking him a lot about himself since it appeared that he enjoyed talking about himself.

I could tell by the look on my friend’s face that she really enjoyed the effort that was being put forth by both of us to get to know each other.

Saturday, I was hanging out and I texted my friend and asked her how she and the baby were doing. She texted me immediately back and said that he had the baby.

That’s all she said. She had the baby at 3:28pm.

I didn’t know if I should immediately go up to the hospital. I didn’t know what kind of support she needed. I didn’t even know if the baby was still alive.

I have tried hard to be respectful of her space and let her have time to be with her new family. I have continuously prayed and have been thinking about them a lot.

I just don’t know what to do.

On Monday, I finally sent a text to one of her brothers and asked if my friend and the baby were doing ok and he said that they were.


I keep texting her every day, just telling her know that I am there for her if she needs anything. That I am praying and sending positive healing vibes into the universe.

She’s given me nothing more than a “thank you” in response.

I want to be there for my friend but I also want to give her privacy and space. I’m not exactly sure what she needs and I am going to go ahead and assume that if she wanted me there, she would let me know and so far, she has barely even said a word.

I imagine they’re going to be letting her go home soon, providing that everything with her c-section and it’s healing is going well and as they expected.

Can you imagine leaving your baby at the hospital?


Charge this!

Last night, I got off of work and went out to my car and the battery was dead. I didn’t have any jumper cables and neither did my employer.

I decided to walk to the dispensary and on the way, I walked through the Fred Meyer parking lot and thought, hey…. they sell jumper cables here!

I got the cables and went to the dispensary and walked back to my employers house to ask if she could give me a jump and she didn’t answer the door. I think that they were sleeping.

Who knows.

So, I took the bus home and waited for my mom to get off of work so she could take me to jump my car.

Hooked it up, no problems. It started right away.

I drove it around for like 20 mins to get the battery going.

This morning it was dead again.

So, I pulled out my old battery with the help of the new boy over the phone and took the old battery with me to the store to get the new battery.

Everything went well in the store and they took the old battery.

I get home and there are no terminals on the new battery.

How was I supposed to know that I was supposed to also take off the terminals?! I have never in my life have had to change a battery in a car.

So, I went to the auto parts store and the associate there, gave me a recommendation of some terminals but they didn’t work. The cables that came from the car, wouldn’t work on the new terminals.

I had to go back to the store where I bought the battery and they had to try and find my battery so that I could try and take the terminals off.

They brought the battery out and I was able to take the terminals off without them crumbling to dust.

I came home, installed the terminals, cables and battery and the car started like a race car!

I won’t pretend that it was that easy because there were difficult spots, like trying to loosen the screws to the rods that hold the battery in. It was also difficult to try and install the rods that hold the battery in.

But, it’s done!

I’ll put that shit on my resume!